The Zen of Survival

You know, it is funny how after years of joking that I wasn’t going to live past 40 how it looses its comedy after my second stroke at 39.

Tuesday night I managed to survive my second stroke. For those that are unaware, on June 26th of last year (the same day that Michael Jackson died,) I suffered a stroke. At 38 years of age, needless to say it was quite a shock. The incident occurred on a very hot day when I was riding from Oklahoma City to Tulsa on my Goldwing. As I arrived in Tulsa I found that I lacked the ability to grip my brakes. As if this weren’t bad enough, the bike suddenly felt like it had a flat tire. I wasn’t sure what was occurring but was trying to believe that it was just that my hand had fallen asleep. But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew there was a possibility of stroke, because I pulled over and stuck my tongue out. After arriving home my wife recognized my symptoms and got me immediately to the hospital.

I ended up spending 2.5 days in the hospital, as my symptoms slowly abated. Afterwards my stroke was not obvious in any of my physical appearance, or performance. However, I did have some “cognitive dissonance.” There were words I just couldn’t remember, I continued to have problems using numbers, and my sort term memory was almost gone.

Release from the hospital was a welcome relief, as I felt the need to get back to some normalcy. To get “back in the saddle,” I returned to work that Monday. In hindsight I probably should have given myself more time, but I needed the consistency of going to work. Slowly the dissonance abated as well, and I was able to recover much of what was lost as far as I could tell (with some exceptions such as short term memory, either that or I am still oblivious to what was lost.)

Following last year’s incident I have not had any continuing symptoms, that is until last night. As I slept, the stroke began…. I woke to a numb arm, and I immediately thought of the potential of a stroke. After just a few moments I knew what it was, and woke my wife. It is amazing how quickly she woke up with the statement “babe, wake up, I think I’m having another stroke.”

Now I sit in the hospital again, all symptoms seem to have abated. And while I would rather be at home, and preparing for work tomorrow, I have grown to realize the blessing of simple survival.

This visit I have promised myself that I will take my time in returning to my normal break neck speed. The saddest part of this whole thing is that I may be quite a while before I can return to riding the motorcycle. While I yearn already to get the road under my tires, I will (not try but will) take my time.

Final thought: remember that just because you are young now doesn’t mean you always will be. Seize the Day, but occasionally remember to leave some day to be seized tomorrow, it’s better for your health.


Retro